A Beautiful Pain

It was September that time, I was happy because Christmas was approaching yet again and it was even my birth month. But what you made me feel was something I couldn’t simply forget, I couldn’t easily let the memory fade away.

For the first time, I experienced a heart break. When I finally confessed what I honestly felt for you, more than the siblings’ love we’ve shared, more than the friendship we’ve created, it was more than those.  It was love. It was something odd which I felt, it was strange yet a beautiful feeling that I experienced for the first time. I was scared, yes, but not enough to make me feel weak to confess what this heart had for you that time. I didn’t let myself to be blind, I accepted it.

I was vulnerable yet the feeling showed me how tough I could get.

But it did turn into a heart break.  My heart suddenly became fragile. I remembered I did my best not to cry in front of my family, because I didn’t want them to know I wanted to cry just because a guy told me what he felt for me was just a sisterly love. I was a sister for him. I was just. Not even more than that.

And just like what the youth tells nowadays, “Move on kahit walang naging 'kayo.” I did my very best to forget everything. How it all started. How the memories were made. And, you.

But then, what ifs came out of my mind.

What if we are really meant for each other but it is not yet the right time?

What if we have first known each other way back, would it affect what has happened?

What if your heart didn't beat for someone that time, would it be “us” finally?

What if the tables have turned and time comes when you are now the one chasing after me?

What if we both didn't meet each other in the first place, was I still going to experience a heart break?

What if we both gave a chance was it going to be enough to make us happy?

But now, I could finally say I have moved on. Because right now, I am happy to say we remained friends and you became one of the best people in my life. It was when I finally agreed to what my friend had told me, sometimes something was not given not because we don’t deserve it, but because we deserve much better. Even better than the best. 

I want to thank you despite of everything. For giving me an experience I could never forget. Why? Because you are one of the reasons for whom I am right now. Thank you for the rejection; it did make me realize it sometimes makes our life go into the right path. Thank you for the heartbreak, it did make me stronger.

But most of all, thank you for making me realize the real worth of love. That is, I am worth it to be loved and I deserve to be with someone who will love me unconditionally…. Not now, yes. But someday--In God’s perfect time. 

In the heart of a basketball player fan

I don't know and I haven't realized much that I am being so "supportive" or I am in that state of "fangirling" too much until my friends told me so. And even those peeps who just know me by Twitter or Facebook already call me, "Mrs. Ravena", "Girlfriend ni Kiefer" etc. That's when I really realized that maybe, I am being way too supportive.

But let me tell you this, I didn't even get bothered about it. Or maybe, on the other side, I was happy and proud that they see my "fangirling" mode that way. Again, there's nothing to be ashamed of. I guess as you read this part, you probably feel this is just another post about Kiefer Ravena. But nope. I will make sure I will write in general. In the heart of a basketball player fan.

Before I start, let me introduce myself as a 15 year old girl who obviously hasn't gotten herself a job yet. So it is pretty much hard to watch basketball games live as you will still have problems about money (and the reason behind watching a basketball game though you're a girl) and the problem of watching it live at Araneta or MOA Arena. I do not live in Metro Manila, first and foremost, that's why I need to get everything planned if I really wanna watch a game live.

Now that's one point--the hardwork you do just to support him/they as you shout your heart out. It is one of the reasons why you are a fan. Because even if it takes sweat and blood, money and lies, you will do just for him to know you're there. In person.

Another thing is, some people don't just understand the point of "tweeting" your feels on Twitter, though, it's a social networking site. People might see you or reflect you as an annoying fantard who keeps on tracking her idol every minute of every day. Or sometimes, flooding their timeline with your tweets for him about how much you love and adore him/getting a follow back. But let me tell you this, those people are obviously missing/missed their youth life. But beware, some people are really annoying when it comes to Twitter. The limitations are always set to be followed.

Next, along with tweeting, you yourself being opinionated is an issue for everybody. Most especially when a team protests about your idol, you will find yourself being a defender. Worse, if a Twitter fanpage of the another team sees your tweet, expect for a Twitter war. Kidding. In times like that, always look for the sides of both teams. It is not just about being a fangirl, it is also about seeing the truth and following the right way without being bias.

When your basketball player idol/crush/love suddenly has a girlfriend. Oh my gosh, this is too appropriate for me. Lol. Okay, I said I won't mention Kiefer alone but except for this one. Well actually, I became a fan already without him having a girlfriend that time. So when TD (I won't mention a name anymore) came, I became mad (really mad) and jealous. Yes, jealous. I thought to myself that maybe he won't allow us (his fangirls) to come closer to him anymore (though I haven't had a picture with him yet lol). Yes, what a lame idea. But as I get matured, I realized, why the heck would I allow myself to have business with his heart?! Of course, we always want the best for him/them but honestly, it is their decision already. If you don't see the girl as the "best", well, just make sure you would not bash the girl. 'Cause I'm sure, he gets hurt. Feelings are something we shouldn't interfere with.

All in all, being a basketball player fan is not just about those ball statistics, it is all about loving and trusting him. Because really, he is there because we are here. Love and support him when he shoots the ball just as much as when he misses it.

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