A Beautiful Pain

It was September that time, I was happy because Christmas was approaching yet again and it was even my birth month. But what you made me feel was something I couldn’t simply forget, I couldn’t easily let the memory fade away.

For the first time, I experienced a heart break. When I finally confessed what I honestly felt for you, more than the siblings’ love we’ve shared, more than the friendship we’ve created, it was more than those.  It was love. It was something odd which I felt, it was strange yet a beautiful feeling that I experienced for the first time. I was scared, yes, but not enough to make me feel weak to confess what this heart had for you that time. I didn’t let myself to be blind, I accepted it.

I was vulnerable yet the feeling showed me how tough I could get.

But it did turn into a heart break.  My heart suddenly became fragile. I remembered I did my best not to cry in front of my family, because I didn’t want them to know I wanted to cry just because a guy told me what he felt for me was just a sisterly love. I was a sister for him. I was just. Not even more than that.

And just like what the youth tells nowadays, “Move on kahit walang naging 'kayo.” I did my very best to forget everything. How it all started. How the memories were made. And, you.

But then, what ifs came out of my mind.

What if we are really meant for each other but it is not yet the right time?

What if we have first known each other way back, would it affect what has happened?

What if your heart didn't beat for someone that time, would it be “us” finally?

What if the tables have turned and time comes when you are now the one chasing after me?

What if we both didn't meet each other in the first place, was I still going to experience a heart break?

What if we both gave a chance was it going to be enough to make us happy?

But now, I could finally say I have moved on. Because right now, I am happy to say we remained friends and you became one of the best people in my life. It was when I finally agreed to what my friend had told me, sometimes something was not given not because we don’t deserve it, but because we deserve much better. Even better than the best. 

I want to thank you despite of everything. For giving me an experience I could never forget. Why? Because you are one of the reasons for whom I am right now. Thank you for the rejection; it did make me realize it sometimes makes our life go into the right path. Thank you for the heartbreak, it did make me stronger.

But most of all, thank you for making me realize the real worth of love. That is, I am worth it to be loved and I deserve to be with someone who will love me unconditionally…. Not now, yes. But someday--In God’s perfect time.